DISCLAIMER: Sensitive or Explicit Content (kinda)
Ratatouille and whaaaaat?
This has been in the making (in my brain) for quite some time. Yeah, no one can deny it. The world of online dating is blog-worthy / theatre-worthy /podcast-worthy. I mean, I don’t think I’ve honestly done anything quite as crazy. In that I’m including hopping freight trains through the southern United States, riding a Enfield through southern India, hopping on a plane last minute to Newfoundland with no notice, HAVING BABIES, all of it…
This online dating business is completely new to me. And while I get it’s become the norm for most, (as has shaving everywhere??? wtf????,) it doesn’t mean I’m used to it. Or can handle it yet. hahahaha
I mean…DUDES!!! Where did you get the idea that being a gentleman didn’t matter anymore?
But the most confusing part of all…is the part I had heard whispers about but didn’t really believe? The part I knew was probably coming but thought it may never (hopefully) happen? That is…the arrival of…The D Pic. Yeah! You know what that stands for.
The D-Pic. What am I supposed to do with that?
Dude: “Can I have your phone number so we can chat?”
Me: “Oh sure. Cool. Here it is….”
(First text) Dude: BAM. D-pic.
Me: “Oh.” or “OMG” or “Holy Fuck”. (Not in a “Wow, I really love your penis photo — thank you” way. In an actual “Holy fuck I just saw your penis and…um…”.)
I am going to call it out here and ask…Why? Why dudes? Does it have NOTHING to do with us wanting to see it and everything to do with you getting off knowing we are seeing it???
And now…now what do I do? What do I do with all these d-pics? Or Dictures? I could:
- start a blog where i rate each lil’ guy? (but someone has BRILLIANTLY already thought of that)
- create a pretty collage?
- i could start scrapbooking?
- make a Match The D To The Face game?
- start a collection like they’re hockey cards
Do you get what I’m saying?
In this new Online Dating Adventure Series, I am going to share some of my stories with you. Mostly because they are really hilarious, totally story-worthy, and…though 100% accurate…probably unbelievable for a few of you. Maybe here we can start a place of healing hahahaha. Healing from all the assholes and weirdos. Where you can also share YOUR online dating adventures. And maybe we’ll invite some good dudes around by doing so. (Or not, but that’s okay.)
Maybe we just need to laugh about all this. Because…well…why not?! Laughter is often the best approach to something that feels so strange…yet (I guess) isn’t going anywhere. And let’s face it…I will likely continue to online date. And I swear it’s not just for the good stories…haha!
And because this is a “nutrition” or “food” blog, I feel it appropriate to match a dish with each dude. For each of their hashtags. This one is for dudes, in general — and all their very many dick pics. Or D-Pics. Or #dpics . Thanks guys.
The ultimate d-pic food — Ratatouille. Made from zucchinis and eggplants. If there is a better dick vegetable out there I’d like to know. But I immediately think of these two. They come in different shapes. Different sizes. And their taste is subtle (lol).
I used to make my ratatouille into more of a sauce. I loved serving it over polenta and topping with cheese. YUM. You can still do that. But if you’re looking for a slightly healthier, yet uber flavourful version then this is it!! If you want to give it a boost of protein, add in the optional chickpeas.
- 2 – 3 Tbsp olive oil
- 1 large onion, diced
- 1 smallish eggplant, chopped
- 2 tsp fresh thyme
- 1/2 tsp chilli flakes
- 1 tsp fennel seed, ground
- 4 cloves garlic, minced
- 1 small zucchini, diced
- 1 small summer squash, diced (or another zucchini)
- 1 large red pepper, diced
- 2 cups fresh roma tomatoes, diced
- Optional: 1 or 2 cups chickpeas (look like little testies, no?)
- handful EACH fresh basil and parsley, chopped
- sea salt and fresh ground pepper
Heat the olive oil in a pan over medium-high heat. Saute onions until they are a bit caramelized. Add the eggplant, thyme, chillies, fennel and garlic. Saute another 5 minutes. Add tomatoes and cook 5 more minutes. If you’re adding chickpeas, add them now to heat with the dish. Stir in fresh herbs at the end, and season with salt and pepper.
Enjoy your delicious d-pic inspired meal.
P.S. With all that said, there is nothing wrong with penises. And if we ASK for a dick pick then we likely want to see it. (We, as in, not me. haha) But consider saving the mystery. Wait for the wonderful real deal. Dudes… think before you hit send.