Online dating isn’t terrible. No! It’s interesting, exciting, amusing, scary, fun, weird. A waste of time. Hopeful.
It’s all those things — equally.
I’m currently out of the game. Basically and happily. But will I go back? Possibly one day? It makes great blog material… It gives you great recipes…
This story also has a lesson. A point that needs to be made. And I’ll give it to you right now…
FOLLOW. YOUR. INSTINCT.
Because it’s normally correct. If something in the pit of your stomach doesn’t feel good — or if that little lady on your shoulder is saying “no, no, no” — and you’re ignoring those signals, then you…are a dumb dumb.
Yeah…I was a dumb dumb. But I’m still here. And I am still here to tell you today…about #alienguy
He was so super appealing to me online. Looked a little edgy. Self-proclaimed artist, documentary film-maker, photographer. ARE YOU KIDDING ME??? That is my “type” if there ever was one. (I’m learning this isn’t necessarily true, but…)
I was pretty determined to meet him. Interesting (as things appeared), witty (which btw you cannot tell from a few texts, it turns out), seemed pretty stable (uhhh…at first), a dad (bonus — you’d think). And handsome (from his photography alone). For real…all the right things.
He invited me to check out some of his work. I was on his Instagram account. I was connected to his FB page. It all seemed very mysterious. I felt like an idiot because I didn’t “get it”. (Does anyone get all art, really?) Though I did recognize beauty in it.
Then…it got weird.
We were meant to meet during the day. The time kept getting pushed. And pushed. And pushed. At one point he asked how late I could meet. I said I had somewhere to stay in his city if necessary, so I was flexible.
“Oh. You mean at my place, right?”
“Uuuuuummmmm….nooooooooooo. I haven’t even met you yet.”
Well…he did NOT like that one bit. Therefore RED FUCKING FLAG. Right? He was actually mad. Accused me of deciding our fate before we even had a chance to meet. Come on!?
Oh Sara…when your parts tingle, and not in a good way, listen to them. (I didn’t.)
So now I’m heading to London. My friends have AAAAAAALL his information. My one friend even has his address and is watching it on Google Maps. haha. Every single one of them are telling me not to go. But all I could think about was how good a story this is gonna be. Right? Fuck. (Follow your gut, Sara…)
Okay, this is the part I’m REALLY embarrassed about. It’s really the worse part. I’m almost afraid to tell you, but for your own learning benefit, I’d better: I agree to meet him at his house. (Eek.) He suddenly has no childcare, he says.
I know. I KNOW. Stupidest decision ever.
I drive up and pull aside in the street. “What? That’s not his house with the white kidnapper van, is it?”
Okay…at this point…my gut is telling me no. My eyes are telling me no. What do I do?? Ring the doorbell.
“Well, YOU’RE here. YOU’RE persistent!” — first words out of his mouth…
Huh? hahahahah. Jeez!
Then out of nowhere…his daughter comes bounding towards me and literally leaps in my arms. And clings to me like she NEVER plans to let go. Okay, either she is in on it, or trying to rescue me. (She’s totally non-verbal, so I don’t know.)
He asks me to sit down. I don’t take my boots off. (No fucking way.) There are giant television’s everywhere. I sit. His daughter is literally trying to crawl into my shirt. She’s such a super sweet kid. I’m hoping she doesn’t get put to bed, so we’re alone. Ack.
“So…” he says. “I guess by now you realize I am a portal between the extra-terrestrial inter-dimensional world and here. Right?”
What. The. Fuck.
“So you better surround yourself with white light. To protect yourself. From them.”
All of a sudden it all made sense. All the weird art. All the weird references. How didn’t I see it before? What the hell? #alienguy
Or maybe I chose not to see it. (Follow your gut, Sara…)
“Oh, excuse me. My phone is making a noise. I need to check this.”
Him: “I don’t hear anything.”
Me: “You DON’T? Oh, it’s on silent, but buzzing.”
Me, calling my ex: “Larry? Is Violet okay?”
Me: “What? Oh no! Does she want to talk to me?”
Me: “Oh okay, put her on. No, she’s not well enough to talk? Okay, I’ll be right home. Poor thing.”
Larry: “WTF? OH!!!!!”
Me: “Sorry ( #alienguy ) — I’ve gotta get going. Family situation.”
Him: “Oh. Okay. Bye.”
I have never, ever driven as fast out of a city ever before in my life. It could have been a snowstorm and I would have still driven 140 km an hour, vowing never to return. Ever. (I’ve been back since, of course.)
There is a lesson here. There are NUMEROUS lessons here.
The only thing worse than having to ask your ex-husband for the car to go on a date, is to have him yell at you like a dad all the entire drive home (which I totally deserved).
Aliens. Well, of course, I need to give you something “out of this world”. Therefore, I give you…a smoothie. A green one. Just in time for spring. We have a whole book of ’em on the Spring Dump.
What makes this smoothie out of this world? Simple: It’s alien-green (well duh), it’s healthy as can be, it tastes heavenly, it helps form magic unicorn poops, it’s easy to digest when you’re all worked up from a really bad date, and even your kids will drink it (well, mine will).
Bad Ass Alien Smoothie
- 2 big handfuls baby kale or spinach
- 1 cup Easy Coconut Milk + 1 cup + more for thinning
- 1 ripe mango
- 1 banana
- 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
- juice 1/2 lime
- couple hunks of avocado
- 1 Tbsp coconut oil (melted, if that’s your jam)
- 1 Tbsp hemp hearts
- ice cubes, if you’re not using any frozen fruit
- zest of 1/2 lime for top
If your blender isn’t very powerful, blend the spinach and coconut milk up first. Then add the remaining ingredients (except zest) and blend the heck out of it, on high, for two minutes.
If your blender kicks ass, throw it all in, in order it appears, start on low and gradually increase to high — blending for two minutes.
Use ice cubes, if none of your fruit is frozen.
Sprinkle the lime zest on top. This makes about a 1 litre jar you can drink all the long drive to your crazy Tinder date.
So I went home…and got a little drunk. Because that’s what you should do sometimes. At least in the case of “unwisely not following your gut”. We are sometimes so disconnected from ourselves…we forget. We animals…we have instincts, too. I’m not just talking about dating. I’m talking about the things we choose, day to day, to put in our mouths. I often wonder why I am ever hired at all. But I realize I’m not meant to tell you what to eat. I’m meant to teach you how to read your body’s signals — and how to follow your instincts when it comes to KNOWING what to eat. Right?
As far as #alienguy goes, I know there was mental illness involved here. And a very empathetic me wished I knew how to handle it in a better way. But the moral is clear: When your insides are telling you NOT to do something…like eat those smelly mussels, or that last piece of chocolate cake, or go on a date TO A DUDE’S HOUSE…then don’t do it. Please.
But thanks for another story, Tinder.